Monday, October 15, 2007

Oy, the temptation, part 2

Six and a half months ago, another two week wait was ending. On the Monday morning my period was due to arrive, I woke up at 2 am needing to pee. I had been on edge all weekend, cranky as hell. In the middle of the night, as I looked at the clock, I thought: am I ready to take a test? Because, I said to myself, if it is negative, that means you are going to do IVF. Are you ready for that information?

I was ready to end the suspense, so did my duty. And saw two pink lines.

Today I'm in the same situation. My blood test isn't until Friday, which, I learned today, is quite a bit later than it would be at some other clinics (one popular one in town has patients get their blood tests two weeks after the retrieval; mine does it two weeks after the transfer, which adds three entire days).

At this point, a test should be pretty accurate. Last week I took one to ensure the trigger shot was out of my system. A positive last week wouldn't have meant a positive; it might have meant the trigger was still hanging around. A negative meant that a future positive would be meaningful. It was negative, so a test now would be the real deal.

Not knowing is driving me nuts. Last night I woke up, needing to pee, and considered taking a test. But I didn't have the nerve. And now I'm pondering taking one tomorrow. The question is, what's weighing on me more? My desire to know, regardless of the answer, or my desire to not have my hopes for my first IVF cycle be quashed?

I am an information junkie. I am overly cerebral and logical and analytical. I am so Type A. So it's pretty uncharacteristic that I would fear information, but that's kind of what it is: I'm nervous about it, but I want to do it. If someone could do the test for me, without me knowing, and only tell me if it was positive, I'd be in heaven.

Wednesday is my birthday, and I don't want to get a negative test then. So either I take a test tomorrow morning, or I wait until Thursday. What would you do?

1 comment:

Malky B. said...

I'd test tomorrow. Best of luck.