75 percent

Many mazels to Nikole and John and Sara and Erin -- it's lovely to have read your blogs for so long and see the long-anticipated fruits of your labors. Congratulations!

I cannot believe that I may be next. I'm now 30 weeks pregnant. The baby moves often -- the other day I decided s/he will be a gymnast because of all the apparent somersaults -- which makes it pretty easy not to wonder if it's alive. Still I worry: just last night I dreamt I was bleeding and had to call the midwife at 4 am. But at some point in the last several months the anxiety changed: for a long time I worried I'd lose the pregnancy; now I worry about preterm labor.

But so far I've been incredibly fortunate. Placenta previa has been ruled out, thank God, and every doctor's appointment has been fine. Baby seems to be growing appropriately, my blood pressure hasn't gone through the roof (though, pessimist that I am, I still worry I'm doomed to preeclampsia), and I have felt either none or few contractions. I'm having a non-stress test in a couple of weeks -- a reward for being both old and an IVF patient. But beyond that, I'm free to do whatever activities I like, within reason. I've been incredibly lucky in terms of how I'm feeling: I'm tired, but I'm still exercising nearly every day (mostly walking and yoga, with the occasional half-mile swim), still moving around at mostly my normal pace. My goal is to continue that as long as possible.

I don't, however, always look pregnant -- even at 7 months someone yesterday said she wouldn't have known unless I'd told her. I haven't had a single stranger ask me when I'm due, something I always expected, and I think I've netted a total of two BART seats thanks to my 'condition.' It's definitely disappointing to have imagined looking big and pregnant, and instead to just look big and fat. I think it makes the weight gain (about 20 lbs so far, totally normal) a bit harder to stomach. My original goal was to gain no more than 25 lbs during this pregnancy, but now I'm trying to be comfortable with 30. Sure, you might say, that's totally fine and you're being all crazy paranoid obsessive-about-your-weight lady. Yup, you got it! But you may also recall that I lost 75 lbs about five years ago. I've medaled at gaining weight, and I want to make sure I can lose it again.

As I've written before, in 2006 and 2007 I began April pregnant and ended it with a miscarriage. Even though I generally like the month of April, it began to seem like the cruelest month, indeed, a while back. Here's hoping 2008 improves April's reputation.