Disclosures

Last night I dreamt a (nonexistent) co-worker found out I had done IVF and was gossiping about it with other colleagues. In the dream I ripped into her, asking her why it was her business to disclose my medical condition to others. I was really pissed off.

I have a complicated relationship with information. As I've mentioned in the past, I'm an information junkie. At the same time, I'm quite private about this whole TTC thing -- there are two people in my large, close-knit office who know about the bun project and IVF, and one knows I'm pregnant. I like to assume that the many, many others have no idea.

As IVF began to take over my life (and, more importantly, my brain) recently, I told a few friends about it. At a bris for a friend's newborns the night of my egg retrieval, I told a few friends not normally in the loop what I'd been doing earlier that day. (I partly felt I needed to explain why I didn't want to spend a lot of time standing up.)

Two weeks later, to the day, one of them emailed to "see how I was doing." Of course she wanted to know if IVF had worked. Since this friend and her partner tried for years to get pregnant, eventually succeeding with IVF, I was surprised she even went there, but she did. I ignored the email.

Another close male friend has called several times lately to check in, and asked how IVF was going. Since we've exchanged voicemail and email for the past week or two, it's been easy to ignore this as well. But finally, this morning, freshly awake from my screaming-at-the-co-worker dream, I wrote him an email and said, among other things, "Thanks for asking about IVF. I don't have any news to report, but if I do, I'll let you know."

I know: I can't have it both ways. If I opt to open up to people, I'm allowing for the possibility that two weeks later, they'll ask a question and expect an honest answer. But for me, two miscarriages and three embryos down and no children in tow, "no news to report" is an honest answer. It may be months before I have any news. I'm the publicity director of this project, and I'll schedule my press conference when I'm good and ready.