Sunday, August 5, 2007

Back in the saddle again

If you knew me, you'd probably be surprised to learn that I am superstitious. I am extraordinarily logical and practical; I've been accused more than once of being unemotional at times when emotions should have been front and center. What can I say? I'm a Myers-Briggs ESTJ, all the way.

But it was superstition that guided me to the sperm bank yesterday morning, to commence my 18th two-week wait. After all, yesterday was my father's birthday, which was a good sign, and if I got pregnant, my due date would be the second anniversary of my first miscarriage. That has to be two good omens -- a coming full circle, if you will. Plus, even though I'm not religious and only learned about this tradition a few years ago, the number 18 is lucky in Judaism.

And so yesterday, after journeying to my favorite farmers' market and watching sea lions frolic under the San Francisco Bay Bridge, I wandered into some stirrups and got shot up with some guy's spooge.

To be frank, I am ambivalent now about this decision. On the one hand, my timing was good (felt ovulation sensation all day), and I am anxious to get on with this baby-making process. On the other hand, I'm a little on the fence: I traditionally abstain from a lot of TWW exercise (at the advice of multiple acupuncturists), and I'd sure love to go running right now. I'm not at the weight I thought I'd be when I tried again, and part of me wanted more time for a break.

What's more, I had planned to do a little ceremony for embryos 2 and 3. I planned to bring the ultrasound photos to the beach, write a letter, and say Kaddish for them before I tried again. I feel like I'm supposed to do that. But instead the photos are sitting in an envelope on my desk along with some positive HPKs (gross, I know, but don't pretend you wouldn't do the same thing! Please?).

Part of me feels it's bad luck to say I'm not 100 percent excited about this cycle, that I'd still like to hop on the treadmill and find a way to fit into my skinny jeans. But the logical part of me believes there's nothing I can think that will change the outcome of this cycle. After all, being totally gung-ho hasn't had an effect in the past, so why should the reverse be true? At the moment, I think I need to stop my quest for self-improvement and tendency toward self-doubt and just try to be.


vee said...

Welcome back onboard. despite the self-doubt. Despite the ambivalence. Welcome back onboard.

Michelle said...

You can always exercise in the second trimester when you start feeling better again. My fingers are crossed for it, sweetie.

Kim said...

Good luck! Our fingers are crossed and you're in our thoughts! Here's to a quick TWW with a BFP!!