Kinds of gratitude

I appreciated this post from Barren Mare, who's pregnant after years of struggling with infertility. (Her post about finding out she was pregnant during an IVF consultation is pretty priceless.)

Anyway, here's a bit of what Barren Mare had to say about being pregnant after all of her efforts:

Somebody said to me several weeks ago that one of the nicest things about being pregnant must be the great relief to know I'm not infertile after all. I've been thinking about this a lot since then. I suppose that, strictly speaking, it appears to be true, at least for the moment. But it's odd. It's odd to think that somehow getting pregnant can cancel out all the aggro and grief I felt during the years when we tried and tried and tried without success. During which we endured invasive testing and fertility treatment, without success or even answers as to what the problem might be. And even now, I have no idea why it suddenly happened. [...]

When something finally, miraculously occurs, it's undeniably lovely- but it's also kind of scary. Because if you don't know why or how it happened- luck? timing? an unusual planetary alignment?- then it's hard not to believe that this is your one and only chance. That lightning can't strike twice, so if something goes awry, you're cast out of the kingdom forever, with no way back. And having finally seen your way clear to safety on the horizon, it's impossible to fathom how you might ever recover from that.

So no, "relieved" is not really the word I would choose. I feel greatly, vastly fortunate, but also hugely wary. Much of the time I feel like this happiness is on loan to me, rather than a permanent keepsake. But that's one of the life-changing aspects of infertility- there is less inclination to take anything for granted.

I appreciate Barren Mare's realism and ability to recognize the universe's randomness. I wish her all the best. The same goes for Infertile Pediatrician, whose smart blog chronicles her experience trying to conceive "all the while working with those who are quite fertile and their offspring." IP is newly pregnant, and I'm crossing my fingers for her that this one sticks.