Tuesday, March 27, 2007

Bitter, party of one? Bitter?

This is my 17th cycle trying to get pregnant. This time, I took Femara (a breast cancer drug also thought to help with infertility) and had an IUI. Everything on the pre-IUI ultrasound looked fine, and my timing was good. If this try doesn't work, I'm going to IVF.

I always thought I'd do everything "perfectly" on my last try; I'd avoid sugar, I'd get lots of acupuncture, I'd stay relaxed, I'd eat my sweet potatoes and papaya and seaweed. Instead I'm baking like a maniac and my anxiety level is high. On Friday, in a tense meeting, I wrote the date in my notebook and thought, 'a year ago today I found out I was pregnant.' Later that day I attended yet another baby shower for someone who both conceived and will give birth after my pregnancy failed. My office just announced that Take Your Children to Work Day will take place in late April -- on the anniversary of my miscarriage. A close friend who also had trouble conceiving is now in her second trimester. I'm thrilled for her, and we've talked about it a lot, but it isn't easy (see Akeeyu's smart post about this).

There is so much riding on this try. If I don't conceive this time, I won't have a baby in 2007. I always thought that by starting at age 35, I wouldn't be an older mom. So much for that. And of course I'll be moving to a procedure that's incredibly invasive, time-consuming, and costly (even if I'm not paying for it -- thank you, magical insurance). Now, as I wait to find out if this the 17th try is the charm, it's hard to not scrutinize how I'm feeling each day -- what is my temperature doing, are my breasts more or less sore than last time, is my fragile emotional state meaningful or just the universe's way of offering me a gentle fuck-you?

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