Wednesday, May 2, 2007

No longer pregnant

It's over. The D&C yesterday was a bit painful, but the pain was brief, and overall it was a piece of cake. (I was in and out of there in less than 45 minutes.) Unlike last time, every person in the office I saw offered their condolences. It's funny how much of a difference that makes.

I spent the remainder of the day on the couch, sleeping, watching quality TV like "Celebrity Fit Club," and eating won ton soup. I was pretty knocked out by the drug cocktail they gave me, but haven't had any pain. Today I'm back to normal.

This time was much less physically draining, but I don't know where I am emotionally. I'm still stunned that this happened again. When this first started happening last week, I thought, I have never been inclined to read a book like When Bad Things Happen to Good People until now. When I mentioned this to someone else, she said, "I just keep thinking of Job." The night before the D&C, I was up for a couple hours in the middle of the night, thinking, reading, and crying. I tried to re-read Job, though my attention span was a little lacking. He has everything -- kids, servants, land, etc. Then he loses it all, and asks God why. Eventually he gets everything back -- twice as much as he had before.

That first pregnancy felt like everything to me. I was so excited; I distinctly remember driving on the freeway being so thrilled with my secret. I was devastated when it ended. And the second pregnancy was really a savior: it came at a very dark moment as my hope was eroding. I was so confident it was going to work this time, especially given my HCG levels. I was superstitious about numbers, about the fact that it was my last IUI attempt before moving to IVF. It felt like everything had finally fallen into position.

So you'll forgive me for not sequestering myself in a corner this time, sobbing constantly. I've done that before. And I really don't know what to do with this experience. I don't think it was my fault; I don't feel there are any lessons to learn; I wouldn't have done anything differently. I am still in shock.

The doctor will analyze the pathology of the tissue she removed yesterday, and we'll get the results in about five weeks. If it's a common chromosomal abnormality, they don't worry too much, but if the tissue has a more unusual genetic variance or is genetically normal, then they'll want to test me for a bunch of other things.

In the meantime, I am taking a big fat break. Last time I miscarried I tried again as soon as I could, and I didn't stop for 12 consecutive cycles. I was a woman on a mission. Now I am really excited about having some serious time off -- time to sit in a hot tub and not worry that it's frying my eggs, time to drink whenever I want and not worry what half of my cycle I'm in, time to eat raw fish, go running, get back into shape, and travel. But most importantly, I am excited about getting back to my pre-TTC self. This process has been so hard on me. It's warped my priorities and made me a crazy person, and it's hurt my relationship. I'm ready to put the bun project aside for a while so I can get my life back.


vee said...

I have nothing useful to offer you. How could I. I'm just sad that this has happened. I can understand why a break from this hellish experience is so appealing - I hope you find it helps you find some peace and focus. Thinking of you.

Sara said...

Here Via Cutest Babymakers. I caught up on your story - I can't believe it. I'm sorry that you had to go through this, and I'm happy that you are taking time to focus on your relationship and yourself. Take good care-