Datebook

If you're trying to get pregnant my way, you get a whole set of special tasks to handle each month. Let's take a tour, shall we?

Day one of my period: Call the doctor's office to tell them the news. Schedule ultrasound appointment. Call the sperm bank to buy some more sperm (sorry, I just can't call them swimmers). Refill prescriptions.
Day two: Pick up first prescription (Clomid), but learn that the insurance company won't refill the second prescription (for the ovulation-trigger shot) for another nine days.
Day three: Begin taking Clomid, at twice last month's dosage.
Day six: Call the insurance company to request coverage for the upcoming IUI. Convince partner to scribble authorization code as we drive through pouring rain the day after Christmas.
Day seven: Call sperm bank to arrange pick-up of giant nitrogen tank containing expensive sperm. Call doctor's office to arrange drop-off.
Day nine: Go back to the pharmacy to retrieve the second prescription.
Day ten: Go to doctor's office for ultrasound, which indicates a good number of good-sized follicles (which contain eggs). It also indicates a thin uterine lining, a side-effect of Clomid, which the doctor declines to do anything about (I used an estrogen patch to treat this at my last doctor's office, but this guy tells me "we only do that with IVF." WTF?) Doctor repeatedly warns of the risk of twins (from the multiple follicles whose presence is thanks to Clomid) and says, with absurd optimism, "it's very likely you'll get pregnant this time."
Get told to take shot, which I've brought with me in case a qualified nurse can be convinced to administer it. Get turned down, but learn that the pharmacy has sold me the wrong needles for the shot. Get the right needle from a nurse, drop the needle on the floor, get another one, do the shot. Schedule IUI for the following day. Then, leave the office, drive across town to the sperm bank. Pick up the nitrogen tank, which is supposed to remain upright yet tips over in the car, spewing white smoke. Panicking, find parking space. Carry (now very cold) giant tank two blocks to the doctor's office. After the lab removes the sperm, carry tank to car, and drive it across town back to the sperm bank. This little errand takes three hours to complete (minus the 10-minute detour for a croissant).
Day eleven: Go in for IUI.
Days twelve - twenty-five: Await news of success or failure, indicated either by continuing high temperatures or the arrival of blood. Try to avoid the temptation to take a pregnancy test before it's reasonable, as doing it too early is both expensive and nearly guaranteed to disappoint.